Everything That Kills me, Makes me Feel Alive
by slytherinsovereign
Summary: Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy are blissfully happy, until she demands he tell her how he feels about her. Failing when she needed him most, Draco must find a way to get beyond his family prejudices, and make a decision that will change his life forever.


**Disclaimer:**

**I own nothing, JK Rowling owns everything.**

Hermione discreetly wiped a tear from her cheek as she turned her back on the one person that had ever really made her feel alive.

_Draco Malfoy._

She had only taken two steps in the other direction when when someone grabbed her wrist, forcing her to turn around.

"Please don't do this." the Slytherin boy begged. "I'll do anything. I'll introduce you to my parents. I'll give up quidditch. Please, don't leave me like this."

The glare he received in return wasn't the reaction he was hoping for.

"Say it." She demanded. "Tell me how you feel about me."

"I.." he faltered. "I can't." He finished lamely.

With a determination that couldn't be disputed, she turned on her heel and disappeared into the nearest Floo network.

_If I can just get away from him, I can think. It will be alright._

She knew it was a lie. She had never felt more broken, not even when she discovered her parents would never know who she was again.

She had fled to the only place she could think of that he wouldn't come looking for her at: 12 Grimmauld Place. Exiting the fireplace, she stumbled right into the arms of her best friend, Harry Potter.

"He doesn't know what he's giving up." He whispered to the girl who was presently shaking with tears.

Draco stood frozen in place in the middle of Diagon Alley. Cursing himself for his stupidity, he collapsed at a table at the nearest cafe'.

Why.

Why did things have to be so complicated? As much as he wanted to say those three words that would secure his happiness forever, he couldn't. As soon as he professed his feelings to the girl he had once hated, but somehow was now madly, deeply in love with, they'd both be under a curse that would ensure they'd both be miserable, forever.

Bowing his head so no one would see the single tear escape from his eye, he felt the need to break something. Anything. He was so angry.

A pathetic, prejudiced contract was not only keeping him from being happy, but it was completely breaking, piece by piece, the girl that had made his world a better place, simply by existing in it.

They had shared so much in the past six months.

Unparalleled nights of passion, laughing together in the Slytherin common room as if she belonged there, and revealing their deepest secrets when they were alone in her room.

He was stupid. How could he live his life without her? No one compared to her in beauty, intelligence, or compassion. Truly, she brought out the best in him, and now he had to give it all up, because his ancestor's vowed there was nothing as important as continuing a line of blood purity.

He couldn't think, he was so frustrated. Standing up, he apparated to the Manor, hoping to find some answers. As his father had been imprisoned for weeks now, he knew it would be only his mother there.

Hermione sat up. She had been in the fetal position on her bed at Hogwarts for the better part of two hours, crying uncontrollably.

_You're stronger than this. _She thought to herself. And it was true. She'd killed, she'd witnessed the death of countless friends, she had become a stranger to her own parents. Yet it was a boy that was breaking her to the point of emotional exhaustion.

Resolve in her eyes, she stood up, pulled her hair back, and wiped her eyes. Just at that moment, Ginny Weasley walked in and took her hand.

"This isn't over, Hermione. I know it seems like it is now. But please, trust me. It's not."

Getting the feeling that her best friend knew something she didn't, she just gave her a blank look.

"Come on." Ginny demanded.

Obeying, the girls linked arms, and Hermione let Ginny lead her out of the common room. Although, had she known where she was taking her, she would have objected.

Snapping to attention when she realized they had made their way to the dungeons, Hermione stopped in her tracks right in front of the Slytherin Common room.

"Are you out of your mind?" Hermione demanded.

Ginny just rolled her eyes. "Wait here."

Hermione did as she was told, slouching against the cold stone wall, her heart racing. Moments later, Ginny reappeared, Blaise Zabini in tow. Hermione just raised her eyebrows questioningly.

Blaise and Ginny had been exclusive for almost as long as Hermione and Draco had been together, but the difference was, Zabini wasn't an arrogant coward, and had openly admitted that he was head over heels for the petite, red headed Weasley girl.

"I think Blaise might have the answers to some of your questions." Ginny said nervously.

Truth be told, Hermione didn't know if she could handle the truth, but sucking in a deep breath, she followed the Slytherin and her best friend into an empty classroom, and they all took a seat.

After a moment of silence, Blaise spoke up.

"He loves you."

Hermione's head snapped up, denial plastered all over her face.

"He can't." She argued. "He can't even tell me."

_Hermione knew she would never get over him. She needed him like a snitch needed wings. He freed her, she was only truly herself when she was with him, and no one could ever change that. But she knew, deep down, that he didn't feel the same about her._

"His family is under a curse, of sorts." Blaise started, not wasting any time. "As soon as he tells a mu.." He caught himself before he reverted back to old habits.

Clearing his throat, he tried again.

"As soon as he tells you he loves you, you'll both be under a terrible curse. It's rumored to be similar to the dementors kiss, different in that you can still feel emotion. Just dreadful ones, such as fear, depression, and pain."

_It was because she wasn't a pureblood. _

"Then why has he lead me on all this time, if he knew we could never really be together?" She said angrily through her tears.

"I'm telling you, Granger. He loves you, and he's just as miserable as you are. He just can't tell you, and you're too stubborn to let him in again."

Ginny elbowed him in the ribs, a signal that maybe he was being a little too harsh.

"Hermione, he'll figure something out. Please. I've never seen you so complete as when you're with him. You can't give up on him, not now." Ginny pleaded.

_It'll never work._ She told herself.

Sighing, Ginny enveloped her in a hug and whispered "I love you Hermione, I can't stand to see you so devastated. Please give him a chance."

With that, the happy couple sauntered out of the classroom to go to the Great Hall for dinner, but Hermione wasn't hungry.

The sun had set, and the only thing lighting the dungeons were the flickering candles along the corridors.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Hermione stood up and deserted the classroom. Rounding a corner, she collided with an unsuspecting Draco Malfoy, and he looked at her with apprehension. Unable to stop himself he folded his arms around her small, now shaking frame.

Letting herself drop the defenses that she had held up for so long, she sobbed into his chest, never having felt more frustration than what she did at that moment.

"Shhh..." He murmured. "Please don't cry, I can't bear it.." He was stroking her hair now, as if she was a small child.

_She was home. In his arms was the only place she ever wanted to be. She loved him, passionately. All she wanted was for him to say the same._

"You know i need you." Was all he said.

She raised her eyes to meet his, and she saw something. Something she had never before seen in his eyes. Desperation.

Little did she know, her eyes mirrored his exactly.

Taking his hand, she said "I can't do this anymore. I can't play this game. Either you know how you feel about me, or you're just playing a cruel game."

Her words came out more harshly than she had intended them too.

His voice raised an octave. "It isn't that SIMPLE! Please don't make me do this. I just want you around for the rest of my life, isn't that enough?!"

"No." She stated. "That's not enough. I think I at least deserve the notion of someone loving me. If you disagree, then we're wasting our time here."

"Of course you do." He muttered, looking at his shoes.

Taking his hand, they stared into each others eyes, lost for words.

Before either of them knew what was happening, he had her pinned against the wall, his arm supporting her around her waste. He kissed her like his life depended on it.

Melting into his embrace, she kissed him back, every vein in her body suddenly on fire.

She lowered her face, burying it in his neck.

"I need you.." She whispered.

He replied by hugging her more tightly.

"I need you too, Hermione Granger. You have no idea how much i need you around me.." He said.

Drawing back a little, she knew that she was about to make a decision that would impact her for the rest of her life.

She looked up at him, and for once in her life, she made a completely selfish decision.

"Draco, I..."


End file.
